, my father was arrested. There were no screeching cars in the middle of the night, no marble-faced men in leather coats, no terrified, shivering neighbors too scared to look through the peephole, no breaking doors -- not even loud fist-banging at the door. They simply called him on the phone. He hung up and said to my mother: "They want me about some traffic violation. It must be a misunderstanding. I'll be back shortly." He put tennis shoes (Puma) on his bare feet and was gone. He did not come back home that sleepless night or the day after. My mother was tirelessly making frantic phone calls, none of which lasted more than one or two more minutes, for nobody wanted to talk to her. Her dread was increasing, and she was trying to repress it (soundlessly sobbing), while Hanna moaned all the time (refusing to eat her liquid foods). My entertaining the idea that Father was a spy had never been much more than a way to embellish my vacant childhood, but with Father's arrest, it suddenly became palpable. My spine tingled with the pride in the ability to sense his spyness, while, at the same time, I was scared, beginning to realize that we were up against something beyond my feeble comprehension. My limbs became weightier and larger, my motion beyond my control. I constantly felt an urge to hide under the bed or in the closet, but all I could do was watch my mother swing (with ululating Hanna in her arms) back and forth, like a metronome.

Four days after my father's vanishing, Slobodan came. He rang the bell patiently, while my mother was alternately looking through the peephole and at me, deliberating whether to open the door. "I'm a friend," Slobodan announced. My mother opened the door, but kept it chained. "Madam," he said and showed her the inside of his wallet. "I'm Inspector Slobodan." "State security," my mother mumbled. "No need to behave like a hysterical woman," he said. "I'm here to help." Mother unchained the door and let him in. He went straight to the dining room, without taking his shoes off, sat down and wiped his thick glasses and vast forehead with a handkerchief, while Mother and I watched him benumbed.

"I want you to know, madam, that we know everything. We have watched, we have listened, we know," he said. "And I also want you to know that we have no hard feelings about you. We presume that you knew nothing of your husband's activities. Had you known, you would have informed us, am I right? Feel free to interrupt me. I just feel that that pretty mouth of yours wants to start clattering. Cute children, madam. Are they yours? Just joking -- they lookexactly like you. What's the little girl's name? She'll be an attractive woman, I'll tell you. Feel free to interrupt me. You shouldn't feel that way about me, madam. I'm a nice person. I love this country, you know, I think that we have something here, something like no other place in the world and I can tell you that there are plenty of people who think that way. We don't want this country, what our fathers bled for, to be defiled -- it belongs to us and we want to keep it. And if you don't like it -- well, you're welcome to leave and go somewhere else, to America or wherever the hell you want. Don't you agree with me? Tell me, don't you think the same way?"

My mother said: "Comrade Slobodan, I want you to leave this very moment!"

"I'll be glad to do so, but not before I take care of several wee things. I need a nice photograph of your husband, for the papers. No? Well, I'll take the liberty of looking for this and that. You may watch -- lest I be tempted to take something for myself."

My mother retched several times, then put Hanna into the crib and hurried to the bathroom. I heard her vomiting, as if coughing.

"Women, always vomiting. Stay away from women, little boy, that's my advice. So, tell me about your father. Do you like your daddy? I suppose you do. When I was a boy, I always had a place where I would hide precious little things, you know, marbles, and ticklish pictures and stuff. Do you have a place like that? Does your father have a place like that? Would you show me?

My mother walked back in.

"I was just asking you boy, madam, what does he want to be in his life: What do you want to be, young man?"

"A journalist," I said.

"Smart, very smart. You're going to get very far, my boy. Madam, if you'd show me where your husband keeps his private stuff, I'd be thankful beyond words. No? Well, then I'll just look around, if you don't mind."

He got up and paced around the dining room, pulled out a couple of books from the shelf, flipped through them detachedly, and put them back. He turned toward us, smiled, said: "Pardon me," and slipped into the bedroom.

Mother and I heard noises coming from the bedroom: thumping of suitcases, a screech of a drawer, a snap of a locked drawer, din of sundry things being thrown on the floor. Mother held my hand, squeezing it -- her hand, moist and faint. Slobodan walked out with a suitcase, shoving something into his pocket. He produced a little box (with a painted bee landing on a flower) out of his hand and said: "Condoms, my boy. Had your father had this on, you would have rotted, stuck in a sewage pipe, years ago." My mother plucked the box out of his hand and said: "Get out!"

"If you wish to talk to me, feel free to call me. My boss always says that love has political limits. Please, call me." He wrote the phone number on the wall by the front door: 71 - 782, then opened the door and walked out. Before my mother closed the door, he shouted in the echoing hall: "We should get together sometime, now that you're alone."

Mother reluctantly opened the bedroom door: an open suitcase; a pile of suits (hanger-hooks looking like bowed swan heads); the Sputnik glass shattered, pens and pencils scattered around, like corpses. On the bed, there were two symmetrical foot-shaped dents, and mounted ripples on the bedspread around them.

After a month or so, Hanna and I went with our mother to visit Father in jail. The visiting room looked like a decrepit hotel hall, with stained and torn sofas and armchairs sorted into separate throngs. Father came followed by a guard in a wan blue uniform (the rim of his cap touching the top of his eyebrows). Mother immediately burst into tears and hugged Father. He sat down between Hanna ("Tata! Tata!") and me, putting his arms around us (thin, bloody wristlets). The tip of his left eyetooth was broken and under his left ear, at the root of the jaw, there was a huge bruise, as if a shadow of the ear.

I've done nothing wrong," he said.

"Shut your fucking mouth!" roared the guard.

"Did they torture you?" Mother asked.

"A slap or two."

"Shut your fucking mouth!"

"How's your school?" Father asked me.

"Fine."

"He got the best grade in the class on the history test."

"Good," he said. "Good."

"What do they want from you?" Mother asked.

"They're interrogating me. They want me to sign a statement."

"Shut your big fucking mouth! This is the last time I'm telling you."

Father was sentenced, after a brief (closed to the public) trial, to three years of hard labor and was shipped off to the Zenica prison on January 7, 1978. There was footage shown on TV of my father (and four obscure men) in the courtroom handcuffed, as the voice-over spoke about "disseminating foreign propaganda," about "the internal enemy who never sleeps," about "Tito and his vision," about "protecting what our fathers bled for."

"We have seen it before," the voice said. "And we'll see it again: dissembling intellectuals, spreading dissent like a lethal germ. But this is what we have to tell them: stay away from the clear stream of our progress or we'll crush you like snails!"


  

 
 

 

  

 

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